In a small cross-section of a fringe faction of a largely-ignored subculture, Worm Quartet is moderately well-known for tunes such as "What Your Parents Think All Your Music Sounds Like," "Too Fat For The Pit," "I Can't Get A Job," and of course the breakup anthems "Long Story Short" and "Great Idea For A Song." I have now been married for fifteen years, employed at the same job for nine years, I've been out of the government's "Obesity" BMI level since 2011, and as I'm nearly 40 years old, my parents have remarkably little say in my music selection. And that's all well and good, but WHAT THE F*** AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE SONGS ABOUT NOW?
lyrics
In 2003
I had a great idea for a song
I took the tears and fights and sleepless nights
And turned them into a synth-punk singalong
They say living well's the best revenge
But I suspect they just don't know
The joy of seeing a song about your ex
Top the charts of the Dr. Demento show, yeah
[music] I shook the hands of my brand-new fans
Who shared my misery
They thanked me for the perspective shift
And sometimes bought a CD
A three-minute time capsule of my pain
But it's been buried for so long
That I never think about her any more
Even when I'm performing that song, cuz
I'm married to an awesome girl
My hardcore potty-mouthed princess
But the way she rocks my world
Has totally screwed my prolificness
Time is a bandage for all wounds
And though there's scars beneath each patch
How can I bleed onto the page
When there's no scabs for me to scratch?
Waiting for her to wise up and leave
Then I can cry and sulk and grieve
And maybe add a few more records to my meager discography
Cuz who the hell wants to hear a song
About a couple who generally gets along?
She's ruined me artistically cuz I'm fueled by angst - and I'm running on E
In 2010
I weighed over 300 pounds
And half the fun of my live shows
Was just watching me move my mass around
I developed a unique choreography
Of walking left to right then back
And every jaw would drop with awe
Every time I didn't have a heart attack
I'd bitch about my manboobs
And I'd jiggle them for spite
I'd shake the stage with my girth and rage
Than thank you all for coming out tonight
I'd gingerly replace the microphone
And through the crowd I'd lurch
To offend the nasal glands of the other bands
And sweat all over my merch, yeah
The elephant in every room
I learned when I was just a kid
My shield was laughing at it first
And louder than the bullies did
But it turns out eating less food works
And now I've lost a third of me
And as I shrunk so did my target
For self-deprecating comedy
Waiting for old habits to resurrect
Waiting for that familiar what-the-heck
And restoration of the mountain that this molehill used to be
My doctor loves my LDL
But my muse is cursing me from hell
No more lardass jokes for me cuz I'm fueled by angst, and I'm running on E
I need a girl to rip out my heart again
I need to burn my fat man bra
I need pain and strife to ignite my life
I need a holiday in Cambodia
I want to burn my bridges, scorch the earth
And bring about the end of days
But I'm living too far from the fuse
To ever set this world ablaze
Aaaaaaaaa....
I've got a kid, I've got a house
I'm healthy, married, and employed
Can't you feel my painlessness?
Step back, I'm mildly annoyed!
My music was a weapon once
Each verse a pure destructive beam
But from my bunker in suburbia
No one can hear me scream
And so I'll pad out every show
With songs that you already know
Bitch along with my younger voice's Prerecorded harmony
But as far as midlife crises go
This is cheaper than a GTO
And less work than therapy though I'm fueled by Angst, and I'm running on E
Copyright 2014 Timothy F Crist
credits
released September 23, 2014
Worm Quartet is:
-=ShoEboX=- - Vocals, keyboards, programming
Thanks to Devo Spice for the last-minute mastering.
